I have never been a person without two living parents before. I had no idea what this was going to be like except that it would be hard. And I purposefully didn't spend much time dwelling on it these past few years since I have long learned that pre-preparing mentally for imagined hard things in the future is not worth the effort. I can't ever get right what it is *really* going to be like so practicing for it mentally is an exercise in fruitless anxiety.
Boy, is it hard. Wicked hard. And getting harder every day, not easier. I didn't expect that.
A long time ago, a few of my family members and I decided to go climb Mt Washington up in New Hampshire. We hadn't been training for it, it didn't sound too hard, we were young and strong. Why not? We'd go up and camp at the foot the night before, start early in the morning, and climb up and down in one day and drive back home that night.
That day was one of the hardest feats of physical exertion I've ever done. The last stretch was the worst, just mentally steeling myself to put one foot down in front of the other. But, we eventually got to the top. We did it. We rested a bit as the fog blew in and out, I don't think we got to see any views. And then it was time to go down.
Going down was so much worse.
Legs that had already given their all going up were not prepared for a long, steep descent. Knees like jelly, growing more and more painful and wobbly all the way down. We finally made it down but then we had to take turns driving home, everyone else in the car dead asleep, driver trying so hard to stay awake. I was in pain for weeks afterwards. I remember having to go up and down stairs sideways one step at a time because it hurt too much to lift legs up and down the normal way.
I am not sad I gave it my all, caring for my parents. I have no regrets. Love made it possible. I loved them SO much and my sisters felt the same. We wished we could have given them more and more and more, but we only gave what was humanly possible to give. I don't think we could have given more no matter how much we tried. So while I live with the sad reality that there was so much pain and suffering, these last five years especially- I'm not beating myself up with regrets about what we couldn't do. I am blessed to have had parents like them, not mean or abusive or addicted to substances. I can only say that as hard as it was, they made it far easier for us to care for them than the parents many of you out there have to deal with. Because there was always love, and grace even at the hardest times. The neurological decline they had miraculously did not steal that away from us like it easily could have. I am so, so sorry for those of you that do not or did not have that. Bless you.
So here I am, collapsed at the top of Mt Washington, or perhaps I am already descending the steep rocky trail, but I am so, so tired. My body and brain keep doing things I don't expect and my executive functioning that worked so hard to keep it together to be able to make sound medical decisions for my dad has gone Ker-Plunk and sunk to the bottom of a deep pool somewhere. Is it Christmas Eve? Why yes, it is. We went to church this evening and I could only barely manage to be there. I took refuge in a dark room at the back and traced a complicated goose on my iPad while I listened to the service and calmed myself down. I came out for the Lord's Supper and candles and Silent Night. We went home and I disappeared and wrapped presents and tried to watch a nice tame nature documentary but nope, they just had to turn it into an intense drama between hungry mama wolves and mama sea otters trying to protect their babies complete with fraught music portending doom. I can't take that. Turns out I couldn't even take Jack Black as the Polka King either because I can't handle good old Polka-loving folks getting defrauded in a Ponzi scheme. It's like when I had a concussion- anything even slightly "too much" is like sandpaper on my poor raw brain. Everything is just too much.
I wish you all a blessed Christmas. Merry? Ha. Not likely around here at the moment, but the One who started Christmas is here with me even when I'm not feeling merry at all, so it's all good. Bless you, friends, I love you all.
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